This article was written by clinical psychologist Dr Charlotte Keating
It takes a village to raise children. The information contained in this article aims to help you and people that are part of your child’s village, have conversations on issues of safety around tech and the online environment.
We include specific advice on where you might find reliable information, and suggestions on how you might initiate these conversations, including the ones that can be tricky, and more sensitive to navigate. The specific areas covered include:
- Resources and advice to help your “village” develop knowledge and awareness about children and young people’s tech use.
- How a parent can sensitively navigate a challenging situation with another parent, that involves technology and their respective children.
We hope that after reading this, you will have more confidence to start navigating conversations about your children’s technology use with other parents, and other caring adults from your children’s village. Whether it’s with the parents of their close friends with whom they spend time, their grandparents, aunts and uncles, babysitter, cousins, coach – anyone in the village with whom your child spends their time, presents an opportunity to open-up conversation on tech-use and safety. We hope that from reading the information below, you feel greater confidence engaging with some easy-to-action, practical strategies, and advice.
1. What is online safety?
When we talk about safety online, we are really referring to any way that children and young people might use technology. For instance, the content - movies, games, social media, platforms, ebooks, podcasts, that they might access. And of course, who they are connected with, and how they interact with others online, all relates to their, and others’ online safety, too. Most tech devices, be it a smart phone, laptop or computer have similar if not identical capacities too. Every child is different, so having conversations with your children about how they use their tech, is the best way to understand how they use it.
Commonsense Media is a great site to access reliable information about reviews and parent guides about content and safety relating to; movies, apps (including social media), games, podcasts, YouTube, books and more. Sharing this resource with other people in your child’s village might be useful so that they have an easily accessible place to check the safety and suitability of content for their children (and your children if they are visiting) too.
It might be as simple as starting a conversation with another parent like; “Jack really wants to use TikTok, and I’m trying to work out if I feel that he is ready for it yet. Have you had that conversation with Tim about this yet? I came across Commonsense Media and their parent guides - have you seen them? It would be great to chat with you about it.”
It can be helpful to have this sort of information at hand because it can also help when having discussions with your children about how they are using their tech. These guides may also help you to determine that they are ready for it. If for instance, you read about the movie, or app they are wanting to view, and on that basis, you don’t feel that they are ready to use it/view it, you will have clear reasons that can help you communicate your feelings to them. Importantly, you can still validate their desire to use it, and the disappointment they may experience, whilst acknowledging your reasons why you feel they’re not yet ready. “I know it is difficult not to be using it yet, and I can understand why you would like to”.
The esafety Commissioner also has great informational resources and webinars for parents about managing things like cyberbullying, how to deal with image-based abuse, porn, and many other issues that parents may experience when it comes to their children’s safety online, including parental controls.
2. How families can collaboratively approach meaningful conversations about how they use tech?
Having open, curious conversations about what young people like to use their technology for, can lead to greater connection.
Our partner, Dolly’s Dream, have devised The Family Tech Plan so that families can have connected conversations about how each person in a family uses tech.
3. How to sensitively navigate a challenging situation with another child's parent
Anecdotally, we’ve found that parents can struggle with how to manage when faced with a challenging situation involving children, technology, and the sharing of inappropriate content in places like group chats.
If your child comes to you with a scenario like this, you should:
- Start by reinforcing that you are grateful your child has come to you.
- Try to be calm and make it safe for them to tell you the facts.
- Let them know that you want to understand what they saw, how they feel about it and if they did anything with it -other than telling you about it.
It can feel difficult as a parent working through how, or if you should raise it with another child’s parent.
It’s always best, of course, to try to be collaborative with your child in the context of speaking with their peers’ parents. They may not want you to do that, which you can also acknowledge; “I can understand that you would prefer I didn’t”, but that “from a safety perspective,” it’s important that I do, and that I will do my best to be as careful as I can about it.
You (and your child) might be worried about how the other parent will approach the matter with their child if you say something, and whether there will be a negative impact on the friendship between your child and their child. The last thing anyone might want is for these sorts of conversations to lead to a friendship-fall out.
The answer is almost always, to do something and not nothing.
Delivery is key, and being compassionate, calm and clear, just like you would if you were having the discussion with your own child, or family member, is always the best approach.
Scenario: I’ve noticed one of my child’s friends has shared some inappropriate content on a group chat, how do I raise this with their parent?”
It’s best to talk through with your child, that you would like to speak with the other child’s parent, before doing it. If you do approach the other child’s parent, you might do so in a calm way and say something like: “Hi Jackie, I understand from Tom, that there was some content shared on the group chat recently, and it was concerning. Tom didn’t want me to chat with you about it, but I think it’s something important to check in on. I wondered if we might be able to talk about it?” You may not get a yes. Below is what might happen in an ideal situation, but of course, with tricky conversations, they don’t always go the way we plan.
In an ideal scenario, the dialogue may proceed something like this:
Tom’s parent might say: Tom described some content that was shared on the group chat that was quite concerning. It was an image of a classmate. It didn’t reveal the person's face, but it would be considered nudity. I felt that it was important to let you know. Young people often impulsively send things to each other, without perhaps thinking much about it. I know of other people who have experienced this complex situation too. I think it’s important we have a chat about how to discuss this with our boys. What do you think?”
Nathan’s parent might say: "Oh gosh. I had no idea. Thanks so much for letting me know. I can understand how you would have been concerned. Can you please let me know when you are free to speak about it?"
Ideally, the approach you take provides a pathway for being able to share calmly, and factually, so that people don’t feel judged. Ideally, this sort of conversation would then become a talking point between Jackie, and her son, and further communication between Tom and his parent too. Raising Children have a number of resources about having tough conversations that can be applied to this scenario.
Don’t forget, when it comes to parenting, you are never alone. If a situation arises and you’re unsure how to proceed, reach out to your village, or your child’s school, or explore the resources within this article – and never ever hesitate to ask for help.
